The Parent's Guide to Surviving Summer by Sandie Johnson

The temperature is 70 degrees. The sun shines bright on this Saturday in June. The day is so gorgeous, you just have to be outdoors to enjoy it. Maybe a run by the lake, maybe do a little yard work, maybe walk to the neighborhood coffee shop and browse the thrift shop next door….

But wait. Oh yeah, there are those two kiddos that happen to be yours that just got out of school. And they have soccer games and a birthday party and have been begging to go to Dave and Busters, and seem to whine anytime they get a little hot, or the sun is too bright, or the breeze is too strong, or their sandals get sand in them, or their sibling starts to bug them. Yep, it’s summer alright.

The introduction to this article may sound a bit cynical to those parents who have one child or who have children who never whine, but for the rest of us, there is at least an element of truth in the picture that is painted there. So here are the top 10 ideas for how to survive this summer without becoming a referee or pulling your hair out.

1. Create a calendar: Kids can see what is coming up in a few days, a week from now, in a month, and how long summer really is. You can determine if counting down the days of summer helps or if it just makes everyone more anxious about the looming spectre of the return of school. Maybe create special days like “backwards day” (eat dinner for breakfast and vice versa, wear clothes backwards, etc.)

2.  Make an agenda every day on a white board where the kids can see for themselves everything that is happening.  For example: 9 a.m.-- get ready for the day; 9:30 a.m.-- trip to the library Noon-- lunch.

3. One hour of “free” time:  Give your child time with nothing to do, so that he/she can create his/her own activities. This space gives the child time to be creative and even learn how to manage time if he/she has only an hour. If your child needs inspiration, you may help them create a list of what they have wanted to do during the school year, but didn’t have time for.

4. Alone time: Create space for your child to spend time alone. Some parents call it “quiet time.” This time should be for reading and/or listening to music. If the child hasn’t slept well the night before, it may be a time to take a quick nap as well.

5.  Limit screen time to one hour or less a day. This idea may mean keeping phones and devices in a common space where everyone can be kept accountable. Consider limiting your own time on your phone or computer.

6.  Create separate playdates for siblings so that they get some independence from each other, which may not be as available during the school year.

7.  Keep a regular bedtime-- even if it’s a little later than in the school year. Kids don’t enjoy even the best things when they are tired. If you allow them to stay up until they say they are tired or want to go to bed, they will be cranky the next day, even if the day is filled with unicorns and whip cream.

8. Get outside! Even kids who complain about being too hot need to be outdoors every day. It has been shown to boost a person’s mood to be in nature for 15 minutes every day which proves that even just a walk around the block might be a cure for some grumpies.

9. Behavior system: If you have behaviors that you want to see more of, reward them. Keeping track with stickers is one way to keep track, but just verbally affirming your child when you see something you like goes a long way. “I noticed how kind you were to your brother a few minutes ago. I like that.” Here’s an example of how to keep track:

10. Swap babysitting-- If you have friends whose kids get along with your kids, no matter the age gap, arrange to watch their kids while you go out and have them watch yours while you go out.

So leisurely browsing at a thrift store with a latte on a Saturday morning may be a thing of the past for now. But finding your groove may be easier with some of these ideas.  Happy Summer!

Mother's Day by Jessica Gombis

Mother’s Day is upon us.  It’s a pretty loaded day I’d say.  I’m a mom and I have a mom, and well, let’s be real; we have expectations.  We have expectations of our children. We have expectations of our spouses.  Heck, we have expectations of the person giving the sermon at church, the server handing us our mimosa, the weather, the flowers, the jewelry, and the phone call.  C’mon! Being a mom is a hard job y’all so, it’s no wonder that mom’s have expectations.

There’s also so much heartbreak that mother’s day can bring.  There’s the heart-wrenching pain of wanting to be a mom and not getting to be one.  There are folks who have lost their moms and moms who have lost their babies. There’s mom guilt.  And even when everyone is living and thriving, the relationships between moms and children can be fraught with pain, conflict and absence.  There’s enough pain potential wrapped into this one holiday to land anyone in bed with the covers pulled over your head.

Some might say we should scrap the whole thing, and I think I agree.  While it’s lovely to have a day dedicated to honoring this relationship and these people who mother us, maybe the real issue is that one day can’t hold it all.

One day can’t hold enough gratitude for all the ways mothers sacrifice and serve their families.  No bouquet of roses, hand-written card, lovely brunch, or piece of jewelry can fully say thanks for all mothers do for us.  And in turn, one day can’t hold the pain of loss and broken relationships or serve to make up for them. It takes a long time; a lifetime sometimes to find that peace.

My perspective is that we need to make it our regular practice to honor and thank those who mother us as often as we can.  I need to call regularly, I need to send notes of gratitude regularly, and to give gifts regularly. No annual call or gift will ever be enough.

In seasons and situations of pain or loss, we need to regularly acknowledge those who are suffering.  When we are the ones suffering, we need to make it our regular practice to work toward reconciliation or peace.  It will take time and effort. If you find it difficult to do that work on your own, part of that regular practice may be going to counseling.  You’ll find some great Chicago counselors at Sprout Family Clinics in the South Loop or Evanston to help you on your journey.

Maybe the best motherly advice I can give you is to mother yourself a little this Mother’s Day.  Sleep well, eat well, love well and be well all you moms and dads and daughters and sons.

Also, I want a necklace and flowers if you’re reading this Sophia, Graham and Mason.  JK- but not really. Xoxo- Mom

Celebrating Halloween Without Creating Monsters By Sandie Johnson, LCSW

I’ve noticed in the last 10 years how much earlier Halloween decorations start to go up now. I saw one family putting them up the last weekend of September this year. The elaborateness of them seems to have gone over the top too.  My favorite was an inflatable ghost that rose up from behind a gravestone and then went back down slowly. Very effective on the spookiness scale.

So how do kids perceive all this? We as adults have a filter that says it’s not real. Small children may see the scary things and be either fascinated or afraid depending on their previous experience. Older children (6 to 10 years old) may experience real fear because of images that they’ve seen and stories that they’ve heard.

Some kids manage the fear and enjoy the startle factor that comes from being scared momentarily. Others make it very clear that they are afraid and upset by the images and can tell a parent that they don’t like looking at a certain decoration. The third category of children are the ones who feel afraid internally but can’t express it for fear of looking “like a sissy.” These children often have older siblings that they are eager to impress. When left alone with those feelings of fear these children may have their fear come out in other ways. They may have a meltdown over having to go to bed. Or maybe they become resistant to activities that are normally fun for them to do.

As a parent, you can handle all three of these scenarios! First of all, know your child. If there are experiences that predispose your child to anxiety, count on the fact that Halloween is a stressful season for them. No matter how many times you say, “It’s not real. You don’t have to be afraid,” they are still going to need time to process their feelings, either verbally or just through play. Provide downtime leading up to the holiday as well as on the day. When trick-or-treating, for children 5 and under, I would recommend only going to houses of people you know and keep it to 30 to 45 minutes. Little people will be overstimulated by any more than that.  For older children you as the parent can set up the structure of the evening so that expectations are clear about how long you will go door-to-door, how much candy they can eat and what time they have to be in bed. Afterwards, process what they saw by asking questions like, “What was the scariest costume you saw?” or “What was the high and low of the evening?“ Having time at home before they go to bed where they can play or read is the ideal to give them some space to process on their own.

However you do it, check your own expectations as well. Are you trying to create an experience for your child that you didn’t get? Are you being as creative as you can with the costumes to impress another family? If you’re focusing on your child, even if they want to wear a garbage bag as a costume (yes, that really happened) you’ll be able to enter into their excitement and enjoy the holiday with less external pressure.

Happy Halloween!